True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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