Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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