I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
