Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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