Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
