you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize