Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
