I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
