he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
