I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
So many bounce houses so little time
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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