she woke up with a sticky ear
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
