I accidentally burped into my bong.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
