Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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