here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
