I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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