Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
