I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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