Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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