I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My balls are so social today.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
