I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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