Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
