I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
