my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
