I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
