im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My bed smells like the plague
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
