did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
