they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
