I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
