i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
