a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize