Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
