Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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