dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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