So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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