Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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