Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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