i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
