She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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