Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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