I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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