Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I love having hate sex.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
