The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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