I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
