Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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