Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
