DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
