I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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