I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
