Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
We talked him into tasing himself.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
