I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
