the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
