Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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