my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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