I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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