your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
