Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
