I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
