you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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