Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
