If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
