Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
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