I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
